Antidotes to Denial: Part 1

As we saw in our previous post, denial is powerful and dangerous —so much so that it took down the First Couple and the Man after God’s Own Heart. Is there any hope for the likes of you and me? Absolutely! Truth can set us free from anything, denial included.

For many of us, reality starts when a truthteller like Nathan enters our lives. Do you remember the story? The prophet Nathan enters the scene at least 9 months after the affair with Bathsheba. Notice how Nathan deftly avoids rebuking David to his face (which could have possibly hardened his denial). Instead, Nathan tells a story sure to play on David’s well-developed sense of justice. The parable also sets the stage for the shock that’s about to smash David’s denial right in the face.

In the parable, a rich man with many lambs of his own steals a poor man’s only lamb so he can feed it to a visiting traveler. David is instantly enraged: As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this deserves to die!…because he did such a thing and had no pity (2 Samuel 12:5-6).

Is this the most ironic moment in all of Scripture?! Do you understand the absolute blindness of denial?! Are you starting to fear your own capacity for self-deception? David literally doesn’t have a clue he is calling for his own death sentence. And Nathan’s response is one of the most damning rebukes in the entire Bible—the consequences to David, his family, his descendants, and his kingdom are grim.

Pay attention: The greater our calling and the greater our potential, the more damage we cause when we get it wrong—another scary reminder for those of us in leadership!

There are, however, definitely some positives in this mess. I have sinned against the Lord (12:13). David immediately and profoundly repents of his sins. (Note that, as an inspiration for the likes of you and me, he never once returns to the dog vomit of sexual sin). What a contrast with Adam—in the moment of confrontation, there’s no hiding for David, no blaming, and no whining. He immediately and personally takes responsibility. I have sinned. No excuses, no buts, no lies—finally. Just some good old-fashioned humble pie.

Unlike Adam, David humbles himself—even though he’s an all-powerful king—and he accepts Nathan’s (God’s) rebuke and punishment. Unlike Adam and Eve, David actually has an accountability partner (of sorts). Instead of running away and hiding in the bushes, David remains grounded in reality and matures through the moment. Apart from Bathsheba and the chaos caused by his sons, David personally ends well, learns from his mistakes, and accomplishes his primary mission of preparing Israel for the temple and the coming of God’s presence.

We can learn from David’s positive example. Breaking free and staying free of denial requires the consistent use of A.R.M.U.R to protect yourself from the fiery darts of denial.

Accountability

The first and largest piece of armor in the battle against denial will always be Accountability. You desperately need help—not just to get free, but to stay free!

I just had the sad experience of getting a phone call from one of my former counselees. Within moments of talking to me, he started crying, and I knew this was one of those phone calls. I don’t get them very often, thank God, but once in a while one of my guys calls me after a major relapse. My former counselee is learning about the importance of accountability the hard way. He ignored my counsel, and years ago gave up on attending a weekly accountability group. He decided to go it solo. I could see it coming. In his pride he believed he didn’t need the group. Nor did he ever really open up his heart to the guys in the group, but kept everyone at a friendly but polite distance.

Will you follow in his footsteps? Or do you have ears to hear the oh-so-crucial truth your brother Timothy is laying out for you? Accountability is the most powerful antidote of them all!

It’s so important that I devote an entire chapter to it, so here’s but a short introduction. Note the parallels and lack thereof between Adam and David. Both men lived at hugely important times in history with potentially huge promises at stake in how they lived their lives. Imagine how different life would be on earth if Adam and Eve had passed their test? Imagine Israel in all of its glory with God literally living in their midst in the new temple. Instead of glory, however, we get an object lesson in how sin and denial impact descendants for generations to come.

Both men are judged directly by God, but herein lies the one crucial difference. There is no Nathan in Adam’s life, no brother willing to confront him with the truth of his behavior. Read the story of Adam again in this light—it’s a very tragic story. We don’t hear another word from Adam after the Fall. Does he repent? Does he get his act together? End well? Keep screwing up? The only thing we know for sure is that his firstborn is a murderer. And since the apple doesn’t fall far from tree, as the saying goes, how does this reflect upon Adam?

By holding David’s royal feet to the fire, Nathan literally changes the course of David’s life. Indeed, we see that even toward the end of his life, David is still following Nathan’s wise counsel (1 Kings 1). David has learned from hard experience that accountability is a priceless practice!

Reality

How do you remain grounded in Reality? I’ve distilled your journey to freedom down to some absolutely indispensable principles called the Rules of Recovery. Think of these rules as the 10 Commandments of Recovery. They are that important. Memorize them. Tattoo them on your body. Name your children after your favorite rule—yes, they are that life-changing!

Here’s your first rule to help you keep it real:

Rule of Recovery #1: Stop Lying—Tell the Truth.
A choice to keep lying is a choice to remain in the fantasy world of denial.
God will not be mocked; be sure your sins will find you out!

The second armored antidote to denial is Reality. If you are in denial, your view of reality is completely skewed. It’s like those glasses with the distorted lenses they give to alcoholics to help them—while they are sober—to experience what really happens when they drive drunk. It’s hilarious to watch people wearing these glasses—they can’t even walk straight, much less drive. The sad thing is that they had to invent these glasses because alcoholics to a man and woman refuse to accept reality—I can drive fine after a few beers! I drive better after a glass of wine. I wasn’t swerving into the other lane, officer. I once counseled an alcoholic in group counseling who, while driving drunk, killed a child. And yet this man, to my face, still denied being an alcoholic. I wanted to punch him in his oblivious face! Of course, it isn’t just alcoholics—every addict lives in lotus land.

How do you start seeing real reality, practically speaking? Without accountability, Adam and Eve chose the lie of omission and tried to hide their sin behind the bushes. Contrast this again with David. Nathan forces David to confront the brutal unvarnished truth, and the shock to the system brings David back to his right mind. Note how, when his child dies, the servants are “whispering together,” afraid to share the horrible news with their king. David, however, is done with hiding things, and immediately gets to the painful truth. Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me (2 Samuel 12:23). This is as real as it gets, folks, spoken by someone who is learning the hard way the importance of remaining real and keeping everything out in the open light of day—especially the painful and the embarrassing stuff.

Go and do likewise. Hang out with people who have been there, done that, and yet now live life without blinders. In reading my books, for example, you’re constantly being confronted with real reality. Setting addicts free is what I do for a living. There are tons of books and videos and podcasts out there; absorb all the wisdom you can. Meet with an addictions counselor—they are trained in debunking your myths while steering you toward truth. Join a group of people ahead of you in recovery, hopefully far ahead—they won’t let you get away with lies and denial. Actually listen to your spouse; see the reality of what you’re doing to him or her. I got so tired of that look in my wife’s eyes—the reality of the pain I was causing her over and over again. Be brutally honest and take the Sexual Activities Survey on our website. Stand up in church and confess all your sins in detail. Okay, maybe hold off on that last one, for now…

Your Brother in the Battle,
Timothy

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Excerpt taken from Pureheart Ministry’s Basic Training! Stage 1: Operation Purity

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