Brother “AJ’s” Testimony, Married

I grew up in a conservative Christian family in _______, where my parents were missionaries. We had fun together as a family, even though the mission my parents served with was noticeably legalistic. Because of this legalism, one topic, sex, was never discussed. As a result, as I entered puberty, I had no one to talk about my growing interest in sex. I learned to pretend I had no sexual interest, even though I had the makings of a young voyeur. By age 12, when a male friend of mine fondled me, in what became mutual masturbation, I was hooked. I was learning about sex, and no one needed to know I had any interest in sex.

Into high school, and one of my teachers introduced me to Playboy magazine. The visual stimulation added fuel to my sexual burn. But with real women, I was shy, fearful of rejection, and idealizing of them. I had one date in high school. Through college I had two dates. I fell in love with a woman in graduate school and had my first sexual encounter with a real woman, which was disappointing because I knew so little about real sex and my body had been trained by masturbation for a different kind of pleasure.

As a result of the sexual encounter, I became clinically depressed, so much so that I finally confessed to a pastor whose church I had attended in college. He let me know that God was not surprised by my sin and had already forgiven me. I began a journey towards God that led me towards a firm commitment as an adult to be a follower of Christ. I ceased masturbating.

A few years later I met the woman who became my wife. After marriage we regularly enjoyed our lovemaking as we learned what pleasured each of us. I did not masturbate or look at erotic material until a fellow-graduate student showed me some pictures he had taken at a wet t-shirt contest, and he loaned me some of his R rated videos. I was hooked again and began masturbating on a binge basis; that is, I would go about 3 months, and then I would watch a movie or find something erotic, masturbate once, feel shame, ask God for forgiveness, and be pure for the next 3 months until the cycle started over.

This process continued for years. I was committed and growing in my faith. I had meaningful ministry activities. But my pattern of sexual sin continued; I would increase my masturbation and the erotic material I looked at to the point that I became scared, then pull back for periods of time.

Finally, I went to see a counselor and confessed my struggle. He minimized my struggle and did not help much, so I quit going. I learned later that he had his own sexual addiction involving prostitutes. On a missions trip to Europe, I found myself attracted to one of the local women. The attraction seemed like a compulsion. My wife was aware of my struggle. The relationship did not move beyond a few flirty texts, but I was frightened by my reaction. I found another counselor who helped me begin identifying anger I had at my wife that hindered our intimacy. Over a year of counseling I made great progress in being more open with my wife about my own needs. I also shared my sexual struggle with a Christian brother who prayed with me. I asked God to help me with my struggle, and I sensed him answer by saying “I’ll take care of it.” I was not sexually pure from then on, but a good process had been started.

A few years later I found that my sexual acting out—looking at various porn sights on the internet—had returned to its binge form, but without the masturbation. I would go months, sometimes almost a year, between binges. But at some point I would sense the desire and would find a time when my wife was out of town and I would be somewhere other than our house, and I would binge for 6 hours looking at internet based pornography. But I did not masturbate.

In September of 2012 I had my last binge. As I was finishing, I heard God say to me, “_____, this is serious.” I realized that I needed to get this sinful practice out of my life. I looked for a counselor, but there were none in my area I trusted. I did a Google search and found PureheartMinistires.net. I thought a missionary kid like Tim Davis might understand my struggle.

Since that last binge, I have been sexually pure. Although I had made much progress, Tim helped me put the pieces together and firmly establish my commitment to sexual purity. Weekly check-ins with men from my church has been necessary and satisfying, because my vulnerability with them has helped them become vulnerable and begin pursuing sexual purity as well.

With no secret sexual sin to hide, I have greater freedom to be myself and to enjoy others. I am willing to risk interpersonally with others, which involves being self-disclosing about myself and my struggle, and asking more penetrating questions of others. My intimacy with God has increased, and my confidence in my relationship with him. My wife has been very patient and understanding through this process, and our own emotional and sexual intimacy has increased.

Sexual purity is not for sissies. In our sex saturated society, pursuing sexual purity makes you look odd. But I would live no other way. God be glorified.