Brother “Bill’s” Testimony, Age 25, Single and 2 years into his recovery

I am single, 25 years old, and have been addicted to pornography since my mid to late high school years. The first time I looked at erotic material was when I was a kid. I came across it on my family’s computer and eventually went back to it at least one another time. Then the next time I remember was in middle school, maybe earlier high school. I was sexting with a girl in my school. But it was not until mid to late high school, when I got a smart phone, where I fell into pornography. I would watch it regularly. Sometimes every day. When our family was having dinner or just having quality time together, I would go to the bathroom to masturbate with or without pornography. I would watch porn and masturbate to it when I went to bed.

When I graduated from high school, and went off to college, I did not watch much porn. I cannot remember watching it at all during my freshman year. I think it was because I had a roommate. But once I got my own room, the following year, I was back to watching porn. This continued for almost my entire undergraduate experience. I watched porn, masturbated, repeat. I looked for new, creative ways to arouse myself. I was not a Christian at that time, and I don’t think I had any shame or guilt from all the pornography I had seen.

Toward the end of my undergraduate degree, God got a hold of me, and I started to seek Him. Sometime after that, I started to realize that pornography was sin and that I needed to stop. That didn’t come easy. I had short bursts of sobriety; a few days, a few weeks, even a few months. But I kept falling back into it. I also had a weak relationship with God. I didn’t fully know and understand the gospel and didn’t know whether I was truly saved or not. I acted like I was and claimed to be. But deep down, I couldn’t truly prove to myself whether I was saved. Sometime later, I ended up having over 5 months of purity and I didn’t try that hard to maintain it. It started on January 1, 2021, and just kept on going with minimal effort. I soon became confident that God had healed me, and I was free from the struggle against and desire for porn. I was so confident that I was healed, that I started mentoring a friend of my who was motivated to beat porn but was unsuccessful at doing so. But I eventually fell back into porn in mid-May.

The friend and I started to fight together and help each other, but around that time I hit a real low point because of my porn usage. I had some suicidal thoughts. I felt like a slave to the devil. When he and pornography came calling, I could see a chain around my neck. I had to follow. I had lost hope. I figured I was going to hell. I had been doing weirder and creepier things to arouse myself. I was having inappropriate thoughts about women. I had sexual thoughts about men pop into my head. There were times when I would masturbate to porn after leaving church. I had tried so many things to cut off access to my laptop. I got rid of my Wi-Fi, which worked . . . until I got a roommate.

I rented a storage locker to store my laptop so it wouldn’t be in my apartment. That didn’t stop me. I eventually threw out that laptop. I didn’t have a smart phone (I got rid of it a year earlier to stop myself from watching porn). I still had my work computer though, and I had installed Covenant Eyes on it. My friend from earlier was my accountability partner. But that didn’t stop me from watching porn. I would look up images, some pornographic, on my work computer to masturbate to. There were times I relapsed on a public computer in a classroom. I saw myself getting into hookups and maybe even prostitutes too. I even, at one point in time, had a plan to get castrated. I started researching castrations and found an article online explaining that even cutting off my penis wouldn’t free me from pornography and masturbation.

Despite all my efforts to free myself, I couldn’t. I was so addicted that I could find a way to get aroused and masturbate. I had multiple triggers as well: anger, jealousy, binge eating, self-loathing, stress. My relationship with my dad was terrible and I had so much anger towards him. So much that I think I was demonized. When I was triggered to watch porn, I would enter this internal battle. Going back and forth. “No, I won’t watch. I’m strong enough to resist. God is better than porn.” versus “Why not? You already relapsed recently. One more time won’t hurt. You’re not strong enough to fight. God will forgive you.” But I would almost always eventually fall. At one point, I realized that I was the equivalent of a drug addict but for porn. There was one night I had the urge, and I was searching my apartment for anything to arouse me. I had to find something. A toilet paper roll, fruit, a pineapple slicer, a magazine, Q-tips, a mouthwash bottle. I even went to the laundry room at my apartment to get women's underwear to arouse myself. I felt like cocaine addicts from the movies who are willing to do anything to get even a tiny amount of crack.

During this serious low point, that friend I mentioned earlier, decided to try counseling, and that is what motivated me to seek out counseling as well. I came across Pureheart from doing some searches online. It wasn’t my top choice because I was looking for an individual counselor, not group counseling. But finding an individual counselor wasn’t going as well as I wanted. I called Tim and eventually signed up for one of his groups. The group didn’t start for a month or two. I also found an individual counselor as well. I attended the Pureheart group while also meeting with the individual counselor for 2 to 3 weeks. But I decided to drop the individual counseling.

The Pureheart group was great because Tim gave us readings and homework. It was very practical and actionable whereas the individual wasn’t helpful. I would just talk for most of our session, and I either would run out of things to say or start repeating the same things I said before. When I started the group, I was still relapsing and watching porn. I wanted to be in counseling, but I wasn’t quite ready to give up porn. Towards the beginning of the program, I messaged Tim saying that I don’t think Pureheart is right for me since I was not confident that I was a true Christian. He called me and after that phone call I stayed in the group.

Once we started doing daily check-ins, that is when I quit relapsing. I was scared to admit to the guys that I had watched porn, so I stopped. Now I’m at over 1 year of purity. I spent a lot of time exercising because that is the best way to reduce urges. So, I played a ton of basketball and ran lots of miles. I also invested lots of time into reading books (autobiographies specifically). I got a little handheld, kids' game off Amazon that wasn’t connected to the internet that I could use to distract myself when I had urges coming.

Another thing Tim had me do was the woman fast. In my own words, the woman fast means no dating and respectfully ignoring women, both for the duration of the program. I put so much effort into this that female friends of mine started to take notice and they would treat me as a stranger. That hurt but reduced the sexual thoughts and fantasies I had about them. Their friendship was a very minimal sacrifice because, I believe, the woman fast helped get me pure. Also, when I went to the gym, I took my glasses off so that I could no longer see the attractive or inappropriately dressed women at the gym which reduced my second looks.

I also began to enjoy fighting against pornography. It became fun to find tools to lockdown my computer and block websites. The group helped as well. Having to confess to them if I had relapsed was a big deterrent for me. In the group there were other men who could relate to my struggle, empathize with me, and give me wisdom. Also, there were times when we had fun and laughed. Not something you’d expect in a group for sex addiction. Individual counseling would have been very few jokes and laughs. There were also 2, maybe 3, meetings when we had to write up encouragement for each of the guys. Give them kind words to build them up. It was nice to hear what they said about me. People who knew about my addiction. Very few people in my life knew my struggle with pornography. I would have to hide it from almost everyone. As a result, most people didn’t truly know me. The only ones who really did were the men in the group. They knew my secrets. The group requires 100% honesty. Which can be scary but can also feel good. The other guys in the group know some of the worst parts of me. My struggles, insecurities, bad thoughts. But they still accept me.

The program is almost over and as a result, I’m no longer a liar. Which was one of my biggest sin struggles, other than pornography. I am confident in my relationship with God. I not only know that He loves me, but I know that He enjoys me because of Christ. I’ve memorized over 4 chapters of Ephesians. I got into incredible shape. Better shape than I was when I was a high school and college athlete. I also ran a half marathon which I have never done in my life. I’ve learned to forgive my dad. And I am no longer a slave to pornography. I still struggle with binge eating, but I have made progress with that.

Pureheart has been a blessing from the Lord. Not only have I’ve been given the keys to freedom from pornography, but I’ve been discipled and mentored as well. The goal of the group is not just to get people free from sexual sin. If that’s all Tim does with us, then most likely I would finish the program being a pure, but immature and average Christian. Thank God that is not Tim’s only goal! He also wants us to be mature Christians who are running headfirst into God’s destiny for us. I was not going to get this type of investment and discipleship anywhere else. The Lord saved me and has saved me again. He started my relationship with Him over 2 years ago and continues to rescue me. Even though I have been addicted to porn for over 9 years, I still have a large part of my life ahead. I’m 25 years old and I am on the path to maturity. Father, I don’t know where you’ll lead me next, but thank you for getting me to where I am now. Please free the brother or sister reading this now!

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. - Ephesians 3:20