As I sit here contemplating what to write and how to express the words I want to say I am met with many emotions--memories flood my mind reminding me of the day my whole world changed. How did we ever get to this place? Our life seemed idyllic in many ways. Married 28 years, with three beautiful children and our first grandchild on the way. We lived a very comfortable life; our children went to private Christian school and we were members of a great church; had a lot of wonderful family and friends surrounding us and we loved the Lord. But an almost perfect life isn’t immune to the troubles of the world. Satan is alive and well and will use us to try and destroy happy, healthy marriages and wreak havoc on Christian families.  That’s what he did in our life.  On that day in March I discovered that my husband harbored a deep, dark secret—that of having a sexual addiction. It wasn’t that I caught him with another woman or found him surfing the web of porn. It was our relationship that seemed to be suffering. There was a distance between us that I could not explain. For years I made excuses for the emotional disconnect: maybe it’s all of the transition at his job, and he does have a lot on his plate—stress does that to a marriage; maybe it’s the issues with the kids—having three teenagers can be challenging. But there was something that I just couldn’t put my finger on—sex was minimal and the intimacy was non-existent. Something more was going on!

I clearly remember the night that I confronted him. I came right out and asked him if he was having an affair?—viewing porn? Swearing at me, he vehemently denied it—even going so far as to swear on my life that he wasn’t involved with porn. He was SO angry with me for even suggesting it. In all my years of marriage he had never spoken to me like that. I was speechless—shocked that so much hatred was being spewed at me. Over the next week I pulled up the history on our IPad and computer and found a number of pornographic websites. I confronted him again, giving him another chance to confess, which he would not do. So, I presented the websites I had found and told him that if things didn’t change (in him) then things would not continue as they were (with me). My trust in him had been shattered. How was I ever going to believe anything he ever said again? Over the next few weeks I researched different programs that might help to free him from his addiction. He continued to minimize the problem—he wasn’t really sure he wanted to change. I, on the other hand, wondered if we could even save our marriage. After all, I felt I had been living a lie for the past 28 years—complete betrayal.

I came across Pureheart Ministries and gave him an ultimatum. You can opt into this program or opt out of this marriage. It had to be his choice, but I was not going to enable him or allow this to destroy one more month of our lives. He had already stolen so much from me—from us! I began poring through books of how other wives had discovered and dealt with their husband’s sexual addiction. It was comforting to know that there was hope and that we could eventually create a new normal.  My husband chose to enter the program at Pureheart Ministries. We began the long climb back to even find some sense of normalcy—to build up my trust in him. Sometimes I would look at him and feel so much anger. Sometimes there were moments of overwhelming sadness, but each time God allowed me to see beyond that—he opened my eyes to the broken individual (that we all are) yet unconditionally loved and accepted by God (as each one of us is). I felt utterly alone during those dark days and one of the hardest things for me was that I didn’t have anyone to talk to.  How could I even begin to explain to my friends/family what had been going on for years. No one talks about sexual addiction—it was humiliating and many times I felt I was to blame. I felt that it reflected on me and on our marriage, “Was I just not enough for him as a wife?” I never realized what a problem sexual addiction is in the Christian community until now. A survey done by Pureheart estimates that 70-80% of all Christian men under the age of 50 are sexually addicted at some level. It’s acceptable in the secular world, so the shame and guilt is not there as it is for the Christian man. Christian men deny they have a problem; hide behind a million excuses; and rationalize their sexual sin—all to minimize the guilt and shame.  

As I poured my heart out to the Lord I found what I needed to carry me through and recognized the lies the adversary wanted me to believe.  I had to learn to replace those lies with the truth found in God’s Word. That is the only thing that kept me grounded. As for my husband he was meeting with Tim, (the founder of Pureheart), weekly and he was fighting his own battles. Tim held him accountable, working through the early stages of denial and self deception, teaching him the truth about sexual purity, working with him on his self discipline and brought him through the process of understanding the cycle of his addiction (“The battle for purity is a war for your very soul”). Tim helped him by teaching him about what the Scriptures say about sexual purity and opened his eyes to see sexual sin for the ugly and selfish sin that it is; yet allowing him to see that God’s promises are the only thing that will bring true freedom. My husband has made significant changes in his personal life. He continues to experience stress in his job, but has developed positive coping skills to minimize the stress—exercise, reading scripture, meeting with an accountability partner and talking through frustrations before they build up. Our marriage is significantly better. We have always had fun together, but we are having more fun than ever. He has become my best friend. We continue to work on emotional intimacy   After all, 28 years of being emotionally disconnected does not turn around overnight, but we are closer than we’ve ever been. There are no more secrets!  I know that he is open and honest with me about everything. He checks in with me weekly (as well as with Tim) and he has been pure for a year now.

We never could have come this far without Pureheart Ministries. It has truly changed our lives and our marriage ☺!