Prodigal Pastor Leaves the Pigpen and Lives Pure
These testimonies are from current and former Pureheart counselees. Most of these men and women have broken free and now walk in consistent purity and/or healed marriages but some are still in process. These brothers and sisters, married and single, represent a wide spectrum of ages, races, nationalities, denominations, backgrounds, personalities, and levels of addiction and dysfunction but all of them have changed dramatically. If they can change, so can you! For obvious reasons, we have changed their names. Here are their stories (unedited)
Brother “Ted’s” Testimony, Age 43, Married
“How did I ever get to this place,” was the thought rolling through my mind. I was sitting on the edge of the tub in the bathroom of my motel room contemplating taking my own life…
At that moment the emptiness of where my decisions had led me completely overshadowed any light that I could see. I cried out repeatedly through the tears, “Lord, take my life, or take this sin!” What I was really hungering for in that moment was freedom from the sexual sin that ate at me from the inside out over decades of indulgence. I didn’t know it at the time, but redemption was close at hand even though I couldn’t see it in that moment.
I wrongly thought that guys like me don’t end up in places like that. Addicts, I believed, were the junkies I saw in the movies and those who grew up in dysfunctional homes. I grew up in a good home with loving parents and great opportunities. My father was a home contractor who knew the value of a hard day’s work and provided for our family well and my mother worked for a local business but was able to be home each day for our family. Both exhibited values and a strong sense of faith for my three siblings and I. We grew up in a loving family and I never despaired over my parent’s attention. Obviously, it wasn’t a perfect childhood, but we lacked for nothing.
I do remember as a child being lonely and wishing I was accepted by my peers at school. It was during this time at a rare sleep over at a classmate’s house that I was introduced to pornography for the first time. I was in 5th grade and one of my classmates brought a pornographic video for us to watch. I knew it was wrong but I didn’t want to get ridiculed for not indulging. I specifically remember watching the movie and feeling like lightning bolts were shooting through me. The draw was so powerful that I actually put the movie in my bag under my clothes and stole the tape. Previous to this I hadn’t been a liar or a thief, but presented with my drug of choice I became both in an instant that day.
Throughout the next 7 years I regularly snuck off as often as I could to indulge in watching pornography as well as masturbating. It was during this time that many more opportunities presented themselves along the way for me to indulge in sexual sin. I had friends from my neighborhood, even in a small town, whose parents didn’t care if they watched pornography. This gave me easy access to all I ever wanted to watch even before the exposure of internet made it so accessible.
I realized in hindsight that one of the lies I believed is the idea that I can control sin. I can indulge at a certain level and it would be well within my strength to keep it at that level. There even was a time when someone came to my youth group at the church and talked about the dangers of pornography to a group of us older teens (one of the only times this happened that I remember). But in my own self-deception I remember thinking to myself, “this man is a weak fool, I won’t let it get that far.”
This is a lie from the pit of hell! Not only did I let it get that far, but I also took it far beyond where he was. I had a pattern throughout my time of sexual sin of maintaining a certain level and saying, “this far and no further.” Eventually I would bump into that boundary a number of times before crossing it in a moment of weakness. When that boundary was breached, I would simply move that line and develop a new boundary. I didn’t realize at the time I was following the path that the Devil was laying out for me.
People don’t realize how incredibly patient the Devil really is. He doesn’t expect me to be in the lap of destruction right now, but rather is pleased when I am on the path of little compromises that lead to boundaries crossed later on down the road. For me it started out with softcore porn and masturbation, which then led to hardcore porn, which then led to more degrading and edgy hardcore porn. At the beginning I masturbated twice a week, then eventually it was 4 times a week, then it was every day, until eventually it was multiple times a day. Within this time, I also progressed to crossing lines physically with women I was dating. Eventually this would lead to sexual relationships that were outside of marriage, outside of God’s design for sexuality, and completely void of meaningful connection. This progression took years to develop, but developed nevertheless.
When I decided to go to college two hours from my home it didn’t get better but only worse. Now I was traveling two hours on the road with adult bookstores and strip clubs all crying out in a seductive voice from behind a bright neon sign. Eventually I started going to strip clubs to simply watch (what’s the difference between watching on the TV, or in real life right?). That led to eventually going up to the platform, which then led to back rooms of the clubs where things happen out of the view of prying eyes. While all this was happening I was still going to church and I had started dating a wonderful woman who loved Jesus and had no idea about what I was doing in secret.
I felt torn at this time. I believed if I came clean to her and other Christian friends that they would reject me and walk away. I had to learn that this also was a lie from the pit of hell. If the Devil can keep us isolated and hiding in our sin, we will NEVER break free. When a lion hunts a Zebra in the bush, they always look for the one they can cut from the herd. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was definitely the lone Zebra being hunted by the enemy. The further I progressed in my sin, the more difficult it became to come clean because I was less and less the man everyone thought I was. This is truly one of the most dangerous places anyone could ever be in.
I was torn at the time, but because I remained on this path, that feeling of conviction started to leave me. I continued on down the path of sin, progressing in it like an avalanche, all the while getting married, starting a career, and having children. It was 15 years into our marriage when the final progression became real. While on a work trip out of town I visited a massage parlor and had sex with prostitute that worked there. When I got back to my hotel room, I realized something that I hadn’t realized before—I didn’t feel anything. I had no emotion whatsoever about cheating on my wife and supporting an industry that degrades women. I had no conviction of offending a holy God, and I had no desire to get off that path. It was in that moment that a wave of fear washed over me, and I finally felt the despair that comes with years of sexual sin. It was in that moment that I cried out to God on the edge of the bathtub in the motel room.
Shortly after this time my wife, coworkers, and friends noticed that something was wrong. I was having a hard time functioning under the umbrella of so much fear and heartache. I had become that man I didn’t think was possible. My wife had asked me to open up about what was going on and it was in that moment that I gave her full disclosure about all the shameful places I had been. As you can imagine it crushed her.
She had known about some of the past struggles with pornography but had no idea it was still going on and at what depth. I was so confused and didn’t know where to turn, but I did know I needed something more than what I had within me. At that point it was unclear whether or not my wife was going to stay, but regardless of what she decided I knew I couldn’t keep going like I was. It was during this time I found Pureheart Ministries online…
Before I go any further, let me take a moment and address the horrible fact that I was doing all this reprehensible behavior while I was a pastor. And those of you in ministry, please pay close attention because this may be the story of your life?
I was a pastor in a church that was growing faster than anyone thought it could. We moved into town on a Wednesday morning and by that Sunday I was preaching in the pulpit. I had just been ordained a year before this and there was something that excited me about growing a church into its next season, especially one that had been dying on the vine. Very quickly the church grew and people from all around were checking us out. I quickly became known to many, and it was difficult to even buy a meal at a local restaurant or buy a book at the local bookstore without someone stopping me to speak. The church grew numerically to the point where my denominational leaders no longer looked at closing the church, but rather started using it as a model for what could be done in revitalization. My recognition in our denomination grew and my wife and children were happy. The church took very good care of us financially as a result of the growth we were experiencing and we didn’t lack for much during our stay there. Truly it was a great time for life and ministry.
Or was it?
There is nothing in this account that would make a pastor recoil back, but therein lies the problem. The problem isn’t in the account that I told, rather it was in what was unsaid. While all this was happening on the surface in full view of everyone, I was nurturing a hidden life of sexual immorality that nobody else knew about. The person I was in reality was almost unrecognizable to the person I was when nobody was looking. On “ministry trips” I sought after opportunities to gratify the flesh every chance I had. The further I moved down that road in my sin the harder it became to come clean to anyone. This continued on until one day I fell into a heavy season of conviction after listening to a sermon on the radio coming back from a trip. This conviction hit me so hard that it was hard to function in life or ministry. It was also during that time that I became aware of some pretty significant lies my arrogance didn’t allow me to acknowledge.
The first of these lies was that I mistook worldly markers of success for God’s blessing. We have all heard of the heart-breaking stories of one mega church pastor after another falling into scandal as a result of this lie. The devil whispered into my ear, “look at all the people coming to the church—you must be doing something right!” The only thing this proved was God’s love for the people, not my faithfulness. Think of the biblical examples we are given that directly challenge this lie. David was anointed to be king, but yet suffered under the consequences of his sin. Judas was called to be a disciple, yet Jesus said it would have been better if he was not born. Through my season of counseling in Pureheart I learned that God desired faithfulness and not results—The fruit of our ministries is something the Holy Spirit brings about.
Another lie I believed was that I could eventually leave this life of sin without anybody knowing. This is so prevalent among pastors who are struggling with sexual immorality that I actually believe it is a major contributing factor to them staying locked in this sin. I was actively preaching the need to have accountability, but yet believed in arrogance that I was somehow the exception to that truth. The devil wants you isolated and alone in your sin. If you are a pastor reading this and struggling with sexual sin, I’d like to point out that ministry is often lonely enough as it is—why continue to struggle alone in the darkness when we know freedom comes in the light.
The prospect of getting honest and coming clean terrifies us. If my sin is exposed in the light, won’t I be completely rejected as an outcast and my life be over? To be sure there are consequences, but aren’t the consequences of staying in sin for even a moment longer far more terrifying? The longer you stay on this wide road leading to destruction the more chance you have of being caught, the guaranteed chance this sin will progress, and the horrifying possibility you might die in your sin and stand before a righteous judge. Scripture teaches that those of us who take on the mantle of teacher will be judged more strictly in the end. The lie that my life is over and people will hate me as a result of being real and honest had to go. God brought me into repentance before my sin was exposed, but I received an overwhelming amount of love and support from people in my life who walked with me through it. No doubt, owning this sin will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do, but there is also a tremendous blessing in it. Pureheart was a band of brothers I could go to with this brokenness knowing that everyone else there struggled with the same thing.
There are many others lies I had to combat in this journey of healing, but more importantly I want to ask you what is keeping you from being honest and coming clean? Is it one of the lies I outlined in this testimony, or is it another one of the many lies the enemy has whispered in your ear? How often have you stood in the pulpit, or sat in the counselor’s chair and proclaimed that there is freedom in Christ? I’m pleading with you to hear me say now that there is freedom in Christ for you as well. It requires a letting go of the sinful pride that fuels our sin, makes us hide, and causes us to lose hope. I know firsthand that it’s a painful journey, but it’s definitely one worth taking, and you don’t have to take it alone.
Reach out to Pureheart, and see what God desires to do in your life. God has restored my sanity, taken my guilt, and replaced my heart of stone with a heart of flesh. I am no longer church, pastoring my former church, but I am in ministry helping others who are broken and hurting and I know, joyfully, it is where I belong. At times I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God to the point of tears, and I pray others reading this may one day experience the same.
What has changed since going through Pureheart counseling with brother Tim 5 years ago?
When I was in the middle of this sinful road I had no idea what was lacking in my life because I had lived so long under the tyranny of sexual sin. When things started to turn for me I had no hope that my life would ever resemble anything of beauty. I had believed the enemy’s lies so long it appeared to be the only reality I was capable of believing. Slowly over the year with Pureheart and the healing that was taking place, hope started to creep back in and I started to envision what hope looked like. In John 10:10 it says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” I had experienced much of what the thief provided, but I was beginning to understand what an abundant life looked like.
I first started to notice it in my joy returning. I was able to laugh and find joy in my everyday life again. The laughter and the smiles were real for the first time in many years. People around me who didn’t know what was happening started to noticed the new wellspring I found in my heart. As a result I started to notice the relationships in my life were becoming deeper and more real. My wife and I were spending more time together and communicating in ways that we hadn’t before. Previously, sex was a means to an end to my selfish desires, but for the first time I started to really connect with my wife as God intended—in oneness.
The relationship with my children also was turned around. The frustration and emptiness of my former life led to much anger and rage. My children remember having to walk on egg shells around me because of how quickly I could fall into anger and lash out at the family. My daily routine was to come back from work, go to the back room, and spend the majority of the night on my phone, often times watching porn. When God moved in my heart, He started to change the desires of my heart. I desired to spend time with my family and be present with them on a daily basis. My greatest joy on this earth these days is to spend time with my family and pour into them as God has called me as a husband and father.
Life and ministry have all been made new as well. Before this change of heart for me, ministry was all about me. I spiritualized my desires and plans that ultimately were about what promoted me in the eyes of others. I was able to put a great show of humility on for the world to see but inside I knew it was anything but humility. After the change in my life, I can testify that I no longer live for myself, but have a desire to serve God for His honor and glory—that alone. God has opened up my eyes to see people around me who are also hurting and broken and has called me into a new ministry working with people that are on the fringes of society. Fame, notoriety, and worldly accolades mean nothing to me because of what Christ has done and it is my greatest pleasure to walk with the people in the community who are struggling.
All of this is sustained through the grace of God known through a relationship with Jesus Christ. My time with God is fulfilling and I hunger after more of it. When God is put first in your life it revolutionizes everything and everything gets put in its proper place. When sexual addiction is a reality in a man’s life this becomes the idol we worship and everything else goes out of focus. If I had to point to the biggest change that’s happened in my life it would be the shattering of this idol and the ability to clearly see that which is truly priceless in life.
I conclude with this. I don’t know where you, the reader, are on your own journey. Maybe you are experiencing your own version of sitting on the edge of tub in a motel room contemplating ending your life? I can tell you that Jesus Christ set me free of sexual immorality and that he used Pureheart and Tim as the way of escape into a life and a ministry that just keeps getting better and better. Praise God!