Testimony Tuesday: A Missionary’s Story
Tuesday's testimonies are from current and former Pureheart counselees. Most of these men and women have broken free and now walk in consistent purity and/or healed marriages but some are still in process. These brothers and sisters, married and single, represent a wide spectrum of ages, races, nationalities, denominations, backgrounds, personalities, and levels of addiction and dysfunction but all of them have changed dramatically. If they can change, so can you! For obvious reasons, we have changed their names. Here are their stories (unedited)
Ten months ago, I was on the mission field, and at the end of my rope.
I had no father figure growing up, so I learned about sex from my peers. I was sexually abused at age 9, which was overlooked by everyone. I got into masturbation and porn at about 10 years old. I came to Christ at 16, and from that day until recently, I lived in the ups and downs of trying to overcome lust and sexual immorality, always failing.
I became a youth pastor and worship leader of my church, always feeling guilty to be leading others spiritually, when I myself was still in bondage.
I married at 22, and thought my years of porn and masturbation would be over. But even then, I struggled on and off with masturbation and pornography. But my secret came out when my wife checked the internet history. I vowed to stop after that day, for my wife, and my newborn daughter. But I didn't know how to stop. Will power was not enough, even for a perfectionist. I eventually fell back into masturbation and pornography, and the subsequent lies and secrets that follow.
When we decided to become missionaries, I knew if I was going to be effective for God, I needed to come clean and get straight. So I confessed to my wife, who was heartbroken, but forgave me again. We went to the mission field, and I stayed clean for a few months, but eventually fell back into masturbation and porn. But what drew the line in the sand was the night I tried to secretly record having sex with my wife, so that I could view it whenever I needed a release. I justified this act as being less “sinful” than viewing other women lustfully. But the fact was, I was simply out of control. I was completely and in all ways a slave of my flesh. Some people think freedom is about doing whatever you want. Well, I did whatever I wanted for years, and became a slave to lust because of it; no longer able to decide for myself.
My wife caught me in the act, and we were at a huge crossroads. Something needed to change. I knew now after a decade of trying on my own that that wasn't going to cut it. I needed help. But I was on the mission field. What was I going to do?
I researched online, and found that Pureheart offered counseling via skype, and I knew I had to do it.
The most important steps for me in this recovery process has been dealing with the spiritual aspect of sexual immorality. This is a fight not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities. It is not something I am going to win by physically trying to (though that is a part of it). The main part of this fight is fought spiritually.
Other than keeping a consistent devotional life, the most effective part of the process for me was forming a lasting network of weekly accountability, of which my wife is included. Knowing I will be checking in every week not only reminds me to do my devotionals and other goals, but it is also a huge deterrent to flirt around with lust.
Now with a year of consistent purity, I can say there is no better way to live. There is no more burden of guilt and shame; the fear of secrets being revealed; the stress of watching my back and fighting the Holy Spirit’s conviction, daily trying to justify myself. Those were a lot of heavy burdens, that now having been removed, I don't know how I ever lived before. There is so much more to life beyond the cage of lust and sexual immorality. So much more to marriage. So much more to God.